Fractious –Easily upset or annoyed or difficult to please, bad-tempered, irritable, moody, unpredictable. Causing problems and disagreement eg: A fractious mother causes a child to walk on eggshells. Never knowing where they stand creating anxiety and distress in a child… in some cases trauma.
A fractious childhood relates to Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). On 5th March 2017, I returned as Studio Counsellor to the “Premier Tonight” Show with Presenter Michael Fanstone, to discuss this heartbreaking topic, and to provide advice for the listeners. There were so many calls, emails, and text messages, that we could only respond to about half of them by the end of the two-hour live show. I felt so sad that there wasn’t enough time, yet so much pain unaddressed in the church community. I couldn’t just leave it there! So, I decided to create a series to unpack this subject in order to share more understanding of ACEs. I will also provide some practical resources and encouragement to empower people to move towards a more fulfilling life.
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) tend to impact people during their childhood and into adulthood. The more of these ACEs a child experiences, the greater risk for health problems in childhood – and into adulthood. Interpersonal relationships are can also be negatively impacted as the ability to trust appropriately is impaired due to the trauma. This can leave someone feeling misunderstood, lonely and isolated. In extreme cases feeling suicidal in the hope the pain will end. However, significant recovery is possible, through effective talking treatments such as counselling or group therapy, psychoeducation, prayer support and gradually participating in a healthy loving community.
As the radio show was on a Christian Radio Station, these blogs will include some biblical examples and case studies, although the principles are relevant for people of any or non-faith backgrounds – because we are all humans who started off as children.
The Bible has much to say about how children should be cared for, it also provides hope for those who have suffered.
Find out about social events in the Christian singles scene. Contact the organisers for more specific details of their events, can you attend alone. How do they help people to mingle and make friends with the same and opposite gender? What demographics are likely to attend? You can tell a lot by the type of music and activities advertised in the publicity material. This would help you make an informed choice. When you do go, be open to making genuine friends with men and women. Show interest in others rather than interviewing prospective spouses. When you do this, you’re more likely to relax and enjoy the event, as you’ll reduce the pressure on yourself.
Do not send text messages, emails, gifts or cards. No contact means just that. They could have moved on and it comes over as a little desperate if it’s not reciprocated. Don’t allow yourself to dwell on the if only. The ex is an ex for a reason. The Bible only allowed four weeks to grieve the loss of a spouse. Ouch!!! If you do have more grieving to do, postpone it if you can! Meanwhile, implement some of these ideas. Then grieve and move on.
Find a non-valentine event you’d like to attend. They do exist. Music concerts, gigs, theatre or cinemas. Find also another single trusted friend or acquaintance of the opposite or same gender that you enjoy being with and go together on a non-romantic date. Remain positive and determined to enjoy the event and each other’s company. Choose not to focus on the red hearts floating around the place.
Avoid shopping centres. Shop online so that you avoid being assaulted by presumptuous and pushy salespeople caught in the whirlwind of Valentine’s Day sales targets.
Before Valentine’s-Day luxury goods and services have the best deals of the year apart from Christmas. So why not treat yourself to that luxury perfume or aftershave set you’ve had your eye on for ages. The one you wish that the love of your life would buy for you. Alternatively, wait until after V-Day, when sales drop by up to 70% on luxury chocolates and other Valentine’s paraphernalia.
When people pity or judge you, or ask you why are you still single, be careful not to be upset or angry in your response. Instead gently respond with something like Why not prepare a press statement in advance. Feel free to create something from the suggestions below. What other suggestions could you use?
Yes, I am very choosy! Why wouldn’t I be choosy about whom I invest my love?
I personally think it’s good to be particular about the person I am going to share my life with to share my spirit, soul and body with.
I am happy.
I am getting on with living and enjoying my life. Does this work for me?.
Thank you for your concern – How come it bothers you so much that I am not part of a couple?
What practical solutions do you have for me?
Talking about the love of your life. You are to love yourself as your neighbour. How well do you do this? How could you improve your treatment of yourself? Treat yourself with respect and value. Maintain good habits and routines. Exercise, eat well, pamper yourself, and spend time with trustworthy and positive people. Be careful of your focus. Our thoughts impact our emotions, which lead to actions with consequences. Negative thoughts can lead to negative actions. Positive thoughts lead to positive actions.
Do remember that Valentine’s Day is about love. Let’s allow ourselves to receive even more of the greatest love of all. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John4:14)
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. (John 10:10) It is still possible and essential to have abundant life as a single person. Someone who is genuinely enjoying his or her life is actually more attractive than someone who isn’t. Friends and potential suitors would want to be part of your life if it looks good.
You can listen to a related Premier Radio podcast here. https://janetmcnish.com/podcast-singleness-dating-premier-christian-radio-31012016/
Janet McNish PGDip (MBACP) Reg. has been counselling and training in London for 19 years. She is a regular on-air Studio Counsellor at Premier Christian Radio. She provides support and training around relationships and trauma recovery for individuals, groups and organisations. For more information, www.janetmcnish.com  Follow me on Twitter @Janet_Mcnish
 
This blog was previously published by Christian Connection.
http://blog.christianconnection.com/embrace-valentines-day/
Yes, you can! Now you might be thinking, What are you, crazy? I dread Valentine’s Day. Such pressure, the spotlight on me as a single, the pity of relatives, the platitudes from married church folk, the disregard from certain greeting card firms, the smugness of the happy loved up couples. Not to mention the accusations of being too picky, too selfish, too old, too independent, too needy etc. Embrace Valentine’s Day.
I had survived my first Christmas after the break-up of a significant relationship. It was a new year and I decided to plan for a positive Valentine’s Day and other forthcoming significant events in order to circumvent potential loneliness and self-pity.
Sensing the impending doom of V-Day, I asked myself; How would I help a client in a similar position? What’s proven helpful in the past? Here are some ideas including what helped me to have a great Valentine’s Day.
Arrange to spend time with kind friends and family, other positive single people, perhaps a mixed-gender group.
Preferably at someone’s home where everyone brings something. Co-ordinate a good quality menu with a friend so you don’t end up with 6 chocolate fudge cakes and 1 quiche. Alternatively, guests could donate a certain amount, and host buys the ingredients, and gifts etc. You could have a theme for the gathering. Invite at least 4 people so it’s not too intense. Guests can help to clear up at the end 🙂
Avoid shopping centres. Shop online so you’re not assaulted by presumptuous and pushy salespeople caught in the whirlwind of V-Day frenzy.
Before V-Day luxury goods and services have the best deals. Treat yourself to that luxury perfume or aftershave you’ve had your eye on for ages that you wish that special someone would buy for you.
Alternative wait until after V-Day, when sales drop by 60% on luxury chocolates and other Valentine’s paraphernalia.
Unless you really mean it buying and receiving a card can mean a lot to a single person and trigger all kinds of emotions. If you do send it, please be responsible and sign it, rather than keep it a secret. If you are newly developing a relationship with someone, consider giving a friendship card instead.
No text messages, gifts or cards. That person could have moved on and it comes over as a little sad if it’s not reciprocated. Avoid dwelling on if only. The bible only allowed 4 weeks to grieve the loss of a spouse. Ouch!!! If you do have more grieving to do, postpone it! Meanwhile, implement some of these ideas.
V-Day is just ONE day. There are more important issues in life than boosting corporate profits. Focus on how, as singles, we can demonstrate God’s love in this world. Perhaps by volunteering for a charity that’s close to our heart. They might need help on Valentine’s weekend due to absence of their coupled staff.
Maintain good habits and routines. Exercise, eat well, pamper yourself, spend time with trustworthy and positive people. Be careful of your focus. Our thoughts impact our emotions, which lead to actions with consequences. Negative thoughts can lead to negative actions. Positive thoughts, positive actions.
Remember Valentine’s Day is about love. Let’s receive even more of the greatest love of all. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John4:14)
So, how will YOU embrace Valentine’s Day? What ideas do you have to share to help others to do the same?
        
Janet McNish has been a counsellor and trainer for over 19 years. She is a regular Studio Counsellor at Premier Christian Radio. She provides support and training around relationships for individuals, groups and organisations. Visit www.janetmcnish.com.
       
Written for www.christianconnection.com
By Janet McNish
Yes, you can! Now you might be thinking, What are you, crazy? I dread Valentine’s Day. Such pressure, the spotlight on me as a single, the pity of relatives, the platitudes from married church folk, the disregard from certain greeting card firms, the smugness of the happy loved up couples. Not to mention the accusations of being too picky, too selfish, too old, too independent, too needy etc. Embrace Valentine’s Day
I had survived my first Christmas after the break-up of a significant relationship. It was a new year and I decided to plan for a positive Valentine’s Day and other forthcoming significant events in order to circumvent potential loneliness and self-pity. Sensing the impending gloom of V-Day, I asked myself; How would I help a client in a similar position? What’s proven helpful in the past? Here are some ideas including what helped me to have a great Valentine’s Day.
1. Plan your Valentine’s day and evening well in advance
Arrange to spend time with kind friends and family, other positive single people, perhaps a mixed-gender group.
2. Organise a dinner or party with fun activities
Preferably at someone’s home where everyone brings something. Co-ordinate a good quality menu with a friend so you don’t end up with 6 chocolate fudge cakes and 1 quiche. Alternatively, guests could donate a certain amount, and host buys the ingredients, and gifts etc. You could have a theme for the gathering. Invite at least 4 people so it’s not too intense. Guests can help to clear up at the end 🙂
3. Don’t go shopping!
Avoid shopping centres. Shop online so you’re not assaulted by presumptuous and pushy salespeople caught in the whirlwind of V-Day frenzy.
4. Go shopping!
Before V-Day luxury goods and services have the best deals. Treat yourself to that luxury perfume or aftershave you’ve had your eye on for ages that you wish that special someone would buy for you.
Alternative wait until after V-Day, when sales drop by 60% on luxury chocolates and other Valentine’s paraphernalia.
5. Don’t send Valentine’s cards
Unless you really mean it? buying and receiving a card can mean a lot to a single person and trigger all kinds of emotions. If you do send it, please be responsible and sign it, rather than keep it a secret. If you are newly developing a relationship with someone, consider giving a friendship card instead.
6. Avoid contacting ex-partners during Valentine’s weekend
No text messages, gifts or cards. That person could have moved on and it comes over as a little sad if it’s not reciprocated. Avoid dwelling on if only. The bible only allowed 4 weeks to grieve the loss of a spouse. Ouch!!! If you do have more grieving to do, postpone it! Meanwhile, implement some of these ideas.
7. Get some perspective
V-Day is just ONE day. There are more important issues in life than boosting corporate profits. Focus on how, as singles, we can demonstrate God’s love in this world. Perhaps by volunteering for a charity that’s close to our heart. They might need help on Valentine’s weekend due to absence of their coupled staff.
8. Take care of you
Maintain good habits and routines. Exercise, eat well, pamper yourself, spend time with trustworthy and positive people. Be careful of your focus. Our thoughts impact our emotions, which lead to actions with consequences. Negative thoughts can lead to negative actions. Positive thoughts, positive actions.
Remember Valentine’s Day is about love. Let’s receive even more of the greatest love of all. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John4:14)
So, how will YOU embrace Valentine’s Day? What ideas do you have to share to help others to do the same?
Even though Valentines’s Day is over, some of these tips have value on occasions traditionally shared by couples, Easter, Bank Holidays, birthdays, other significant dates. How soon could you try some?
On Ask Patricia Radio Show last Monday we talked about how the loss of a parent might cause psychological disturbance in childhood, which could impact their adulthood in the form of chaotic lifestyle and unhealthy relationships. Peaches Gelfof’s mother died of an accidental heroin overdose when Peaches was 11 years old. Her father Sir Bob Geldof travelled the world in his career as rock star and human rights campaigner. In an interview by Aga Magazine (published in The Sunday Times) Peaches said regarding her dreams for her 2 toddler sons; I hope when they’re older they get to have a bit of the youth that I lost out on when I had them. Now I am a mum, I can correct those awful parts of my childhood and it’s a really healing process. ‘Before, I was not at peace with myself about it because I was just traumatised. That’s why I was living a chaotic lifestyle. Peaches tragically died on 7th April at age 25. Her funeral is today, Easter Monday.
We highlighted the plight of some children left back home to be cared for by family. Their parents, (usually mothers) migrated to another town or country. They had dreams of working to build a better future for their children. But, they were not always cared for. In fact, the opposite happened which compounded the initial trauma of being separated from their mother. Many suffered abuse of various types, physical, verbal, sexual, bullying, neglect or other maltreatment. All this was unbeknown to the parent overseas.
How can a person recover? Significant recovery is possible. It is a process that includes the following:
1. Talk about some of your experience with someone who is respectful and trustworthy, such as a friend or therapist.
2. Acknowledge the damage and extent of the loss you’ve experienced. This is part of the grieving process.
3. Acknowledge the strengths and life lessons you’ve developed. Such as compassion, resourcefulness, courage.
4. Forgiveness clears the path to achieving your dreams.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
Mark 11:25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
1 John 1:9-10 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. English Standard Version (ESV)Â
There are literally dozens of scriptures about forgiveness. Lord Jesus commands us to forgive because he wants us to be free.
Max Lucado said Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realising you were the prisoner!
We’ve touched on several deep and controversial subjects that cannot be unpacked here. I will cover some of these matters in future blogs.
I look forward to your comments.
The real Love Show at https://www.facebook.com/ask.patricia  http://ruachradio.com
Mondays 4.00-5.00pm GMT
Do you long for love, yet fail to take decisive steps to make it happen? When you do decide to take action around dating and meeting people, are you easily sidetracked by other things that fill your life? If so, your busyness could be a cover for ambivalence.
Ambivalence is the state of having mixed feelings or ideas about something or someone, either consciously or unconsciously. Katy Perry in her song “Hot N Cold” wrote of ambivalence:
If you observed problems in your parental relationships that were not managed in healthy ways, or if you experienced any kind of abuse, neglect or significant loss in your childhood, these would have caused trust issues and confusion about your desires for relationship.
Susan Page author of If I Am So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? says;
There are 2 types of involuntary singles:
1.Those who are highly proactive and doing all they can and simply haven’t met a suitable person yet.
2.Those too busy or ambivalent who might be sabotaging their own efforts to form a loving relationship. On one hand they say, I want a relationship! but on the other they are consciously or on unconsciously reluctant.
If you scratch beneath the surface you may find a host of underlying fears and contradictory thoughts:
Don’t get me wrong. Many people thrive on having busy, full and productive lives. In fact, relationship coaches and dating websites encourage this as one of the ways to attract the opposite sex to you. Comments like live such an interesting life that he/she would love to be part of it. But that life could become so busy that it doesn’t allow you time and space for pursuing dating relationships.
If any of this rings true for you, don’t be hard on yourself. Ambivalence is a natural part of life. Show grace to that part of yourself that is indecisive.
1. The challenge is not to over-analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence, but rather to reflect on and learn from the decisions that you have made after you have met someone in the past, and through the various stages of those relationships.
2. Pay attention to your ambivalence. Be honest with yourself even if it seems contradictory. Understand your ambivalence. It might not be about fear, but about your values. Wanting someone who will understand your vocation, expression of faith, or your need for independence is normal.
3. Notice how you feel about the efforts you have made to find a relationship. Could a slightly different approach or method be helpful, such as not focusing on looking for The One, but rather building genuine healthy friendships with the opposite sex and seeing where that leads?
4. Take small steps.
5. Seek support from an honest proactive friend. Or to overcome some difficult issues or unhelpful behaviour patterns in relationships, discuss with a qualified therapist.
So be ambivalent, but then decide that you are going to take action by moving forward in ways that will align with your values and commitments. This is helpful not only regarding your romantic relationships, but also regarding other important areas in your life. Enjoy!
Janet McNish has been a counsellor and trainer for over 16 years. She is a regular Studio Counsellor at Premier Radio, speaker at singles groups and organisations providing support around relationships. Visit www.janetmcnish.comJanet will be discussing Singleness & Dating live on Premier Christian Radio on Sunday 16th February 10.00 pm to Midnight.
SINGLENESS & DATING
Singleness and dating has become a sensitive subject at church and may not necessarily be addressed as often as some would like; However it is a much talked about topic amongst an increasing number of Christians.
Janet McNish opened the discussion at Premier Christian Radio on the night of Sunday 29th July night by bringing hope, encouragement and useful dating tips to the listeners. She chose this subject, as it remains one close to her heart. As the phone lines opened, the calls were pouring in with different questions, queries and discussions challenging Janet to get straight to the point in tackling the issues and frustrations around singleness and dating in this modern world from a Christian counselling perspective.
Janet reassured many callers that it is never too late to find love! As a Christian it can be difficult to find that special someone especially with a lack of single men in church. Janet however ignited the flame of hope and gave advice in how to keep it burning…the first and most important thing to know is that God values every individual and has answers for all of our needs, desires and prayers. When you know how much you are loved; you can evaluate your worth in relationships and learn to identify warning signs early on. Janet encouraged the listeners never to ignore those vital warning signs which may appear subtle at first but if not acknowledge can become the potential downfall of a relationship further down the line.
Janet pointed out that someone is always a stranger no matter where you meet them until you get to know them…so how do you get to know a stranger you may have an interest in? Here are some tips Janet shared with her listeners:
– Arrange a pre-date. So you can see how they treat you and other people,then decide whether you want to meet them again for a longer time.
– Always keep God at the centre
– Get to know them slowly…don’t place all your cards on the table at once, instead offer one appropriate card at a time
– Ask God to reveal things to you and with His guidance choose who comes into your life and how close you allow them
– Set boundaries early on
– Build healthy foundations with potential partners…start as friends first
– Introduce them to male and female friends in order to have accountability.
– Take precautions and don’t rush into anything
Janet emphasised the importance of getting to know yourself first before you think about getting into a relationship; knowing who YOU are and who you are IN CHRIST allows you to identify your strengths and weaknesses…by knowing your weaknesses you can start to work on them with God’s help.
The difficulties of a divorce or breakup were also addressed on the show but Janet reassured the listeners that God never wastes our pain, He desires to fully restore us and He has a plan for us; It is often a time when we learn more about ourselves.
As Christians it is important to know that there is nothing wrong with temptation; it is how we respond to it that matters. We must always have accountability! By building healthy friendships with men and women we remain accountable in times of trial and receive support through our challenges. In order to guard our hearts, we need to be careful what we watch, listen to or dwell on If we bring everything to God and keep the lines of communication open then He will guide us, reveal things to us and create opportunities for us.
Janet’s approach to singleness and dating was a personal one as she shared her own experiences to encourage other singles that there is hope. Her inspiring discussions were full of wisdom, compassion and faith. Her practical advice reassured her listeners that it is NEVER too late!!
By Zoe Gordon
August 2012
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